I just came through a manic high. Haven’t had one for a long time. My teeter-totter ride tends to land on depression. When I am manic I become light-headed, giddy. I feel like champagne bubbles exploding at the top of the glass. I talk faster and I don’t edit. Some might ask what’s different about this. But those who know me well do notice a more frenetic pace.
I am aware of my mania. I watch myself going higher and higher and I feel my moorings slipping, like a hot air balloon almost ready to go and the ropes give way too soon and the occupants lose their balance. I feel myself slip away into a different place. I never do anything outrageous. I think my meds that I rely on to keep me falling deeply into the abyss also keep me from losing myself; from disappearing.
I sometimes get frightened by the highs. They can be beautiful when I feel that I am surrounded by meadows of happiness. But there are times when I fear that I will fly so high that I won’t come back. I am fortunate that I do not teeter to the other side right after a manic high. I usually come in for a comfortable landing. While I have lots of thoughts when I am manic, I don’t have any great thoughts. It is in the depressions that I come to know myself better. As long as I am just teetering on the edge, and do not fall deeply into the abyss I find myself thinking more and more about meaning, purpose. I talk to God a lot more, too.
